If someone had told me years ago I had a shame-based attachment with God, I wouldn’t have known what they were talking about, and then I would have denied it. The shift from a shame-based connection with God to a secure-based relationship with God has been a 20 + year process. I was in college and going through a challenging season of my life when I became aware I was relating to God through shame. (However, at the time, I wouldn’t have known to name it as shame).
Etched in my mind is one particular experience from college. I was lying down on my couch in my room, just tired, depressed, feeling defeated in many ways, and I had a thought that went something like: “If you laid on that couch for the rest of your life, I would not love you any more or less than I do right now. You are loved, Sarah, just as you are right now. You are enough.”
This deep feeling of being enough was new and good news to my soul. I knew in my mind that God loved me, but I had spent most of my life doing a lot of things to prove I was enough. I tried to do it right, be on the right side of the table, learn more, and strive for that elusive enoughness but seemed to always come up short-- just not enough. Little did I know, my connection with God and myself was shame-based. I thought I needed to keep doing more to be enough for myself, others, and God. I tried to perfect parts of my life like my body, relationships, spirituality, sexuality (or lack thereof), and achievements. Frankly, it was in the church and Christian ministries where I got a lot of positive feedback about what I did that pleased God. As a result, the message I received was that I was more accepted and valued (enough) because of what I was doing. In reality, I was exhausted and didn’t even know it because I was so disconnected/disembodied from myself in my efforts to be enough. Could it be that I was already enough?
In grad school/seminary, I learned about attachment and, later, a language for shame. Both hit home since the formulas I’d been given in my early years no longer worked or fit. Exploring my own attachment story in honesty and vulnerability led to a more authentic and embodied relationship with myself and God. I began befriending myself and my body. I started allowing questioning instead of needing certainty all the time. I was learning to welcome ALL parts of me. This embodied space for me means connecting with God as I am, in the body I have, and in the actual life, I am living day to day. This embodied space means I can experience the fullness of him as I drink my coffee, take a walk, nap, practice yoga, or savor some chocolate. Particularly in the years with young kids, these experiences of God being near were more powerful and healing to my soul than years and years of bible study and prayer times done out of duty or fear of not being enough for God.
One example of God’s compassionate care coming to me in this new way was when I was nursing my son at about six months old. We were working through some health issues of his, and I was recovering from shingles virus. During an Immanuel Journaling time, I had a thought or a picture of Jesus in my son’s room behind the chair I was rocking him in. Jesus was looking at both of us with a look of care, warmth, understanding, pure ease, peace, and pride. He knew it all and saw it all and cared for me as I was caring for our son. He seemed to say something like: “As you care for him, I am with you. This is how I am coming to you now. You are with Me when you are with him.” I needed to understand again that I was enough right then and there. He was glad to be with me just as I was. I felt seen by him in all the things done in the dark and unseen places. That image still comes to mind and gives me deep comfort and peace even now- years later.
Over time and through experiences of being my most honest self with God and trusted others, my trust in His care, love, and presence grows. I am more at peace and present with myself when I experience my enoughness from God. It is a process to accept and allow ALL that I am without hiding and to discover God’s compassion as I bring the disappointments, the suffering, the uncertainties, the unknowns, and the questions to Him. He is glad to be with me (you) there. It is in experiencing His compassion for me that I can have compassion for myself, for others, and develop a secure attachment to Jesus.
To find out more about our series on Secure Attachment, find past Sunday Services here. A more focused discussion on Theology and Secure attachment is here.