The theme of surrender is one of which I am uniquely familiar. Having three children, nine and under, with the oldest experiencing high medical needs, including brain surgery a few years ago, it would be an understatement to say my life looks a little different than I expected it would. This has required me to shift perspective and practices around how I deal with grief.
A few years ago, I realized my pattern of dealing with disappointment as an adult looked more like a toddler throwing a fit, being carried out of a store, collapsing into a car seat nap, and waking up like nothing happened. And much like a toddler, it was never a huge thing that set me into a total meltdown. Instead, it was a series of events that made me feel a complete lack of control in my life circumstances. Since I never dealt with these singular events (or small disappointments) as they happened, eventually, they would stack on top of each other, and then a meltdown would hit. While a good cry and nap would fulfill the immediate need to release emotions, it didn’t bring about lasting acceptance of my circumstances or a better way of dealing with disappointment or unexpected change.
In the summer of 2016, I began to learn the way out of submission and into surrender. We had just been through two years of severe illnesses with our oldest daughter, and it was submission one right after another. I would throw my fit and rally but never genuinely dealt with the losses in my life. Then my daughter’s doctors decided she needed a feeding tube. We agreed, and all was well until we found ourselves in the surgery office for an evaluation. The nurse practitioner gave us the one surgery slot they had for the next several months. It just happened to be a week before Family Camp with the Gathering Network. Due to the nature of the surgery, we knew we would have to cancel the trip.
Much to my horror and the horror of the nurse, I found myself sobbing in the office. After all, we had been through, and I assure you it was a lot, not getting to go to Family Camp is what finally broke me. I know it was a minor thing compared to weeks of hospitalizations and ICU stays. But, for me, it represented the loss of very normal things that our family simply doesn’t get to do. The grief that poured out of me that day started me on the path of learning to surrender.
For me, surrender started with grieving. Grieving a loss helps me process it. When I take the time to sort through the pain and loss, it’s as if my hands move from tightly balled fists to relaxed open hands. Honoring my disappointments and grief has allowed me to move forward.
As a culture, there is a tendency to compare or minimize our hard/grief. It is far easier to think, “well, it could be worse,” and stuff down our disappointment or sadness than to pull out that disappointment and give it some space. Surrender has led me to understand I am not alone in my circumstances. One of the biggest comforts in learning to surrender is understanding we have Immanuel-God with us. He walks with me in each disappointment and grief, big and small.
I often see a mental picture of God grieving alongside me when the hard things come. Because as our Father, indeed his heart breaks with us in our loss. Both Deuteronomy and Hebrews remind us that God will NEVER leave us. Isolation and believing I am alone in my hard will never help me, even when it’s easier. Allowing others to come alongside me in pain has been a way that I have been able to surrender instead of just keep pushing away my pain while keeping it all together on the outside (my version of submission).
Surrender requires practice over time. I didn’t just simply choose to surrender my unpredictable life back in 2016, and now I am forever a-okay with it. It is something I choose over and over again. I choose to grieve when things don’t go my way or when my well-laid-out plans get taken over by my daughter’s medical needs. Even recently, I missed a run I was looking forward to (squeezed in between bad weather days) because of a medical emergency. I found myself saying to my husband, “I am happy everything worked out, but man, I am sad I missed the opportunity to run today before the polar vortex rolls into town for the next several weeks.” That is such a minor thing, but even honoring little disappointments helps me practice for when bigger ones come. It wasn’t “fine” I missed my run. I was disappointed. But, I chose to honor the disappointment of plans changing due to something outside my control. That was a level of compassion I have had to learn to offer myself through years of small and big surrenders.
This year (2020), there were so many things outside of our control. It will ALWAYS be more comfortable to stuff our feelings, submit, and move on. However, there is so much learned by honoring our pain, surrendering, and believing God is in control- EVEN in the hard times. Our pain matters. Our disappointments and losses, big and small, are seen by God, and he is happy to be with us in them.
To connect more on the topic of pain and disappointment, check out our two-part series with Bonnie Punzahl Part 1Part 2