I do not exaggerate when I say that our conversations around secure attachment are deconstructing and reconstructing the way I think about my relationship with God. Between these sermons and the things happening in my orbit in the past year, I have come to realize how much I view God as a genie or a vending machine. I have come to realize that what I have truly believed is that if I pray a certain way, if my heart is in the right place, and my physical posture is correct, then God will say yes. And if He is silent or says no, then I must have done something wrong. Maybe I’ll try standing next time instead of kneeling because it must have been me. It couldn’t have been Him because He is good and perfect. I know in my head that this is not how it works, but after a lot of disappointment this year, I started to wonder if there even is a way this “works.” Bear with me. What I mean to say is I came to realize how much I view a relationship with God as transactional. I do my good Christian steps -- read my Bible, pray, be a good neighbor -- and then you will give me the desires of my heart. But maybe that’s not what a secure, healthy relationship, or attachment, to God looks like. Maybe it doesn’t work like that, and maybe there really isn’t “a way that it works.” Maybe there is no formula or magic spell.
When Jim Wilder said “we are transformed by who we love and who loves us” it blew the Genie Jesus apart. While trying to reconcile the disappointments this year has brought, I have wondered what does being loved by Jesus mean and look like? And I started to wonder … what if what’s really going on is that we live in a broken, fallen world where we experience pain and suffering and maybe He loves us by meeting us here in this broken place and not abandoning us to it. Maybe His presence and knowing we aren’t alone in those dark places is what enables us to persevere and even sometimes try to make this chaotic place better. Because when I think of my other relationships, with my husband, our son, our friends, I’m not looking for anything from them except their company, their support, their love. I’m not spending time with them so they will give me stuff and fix my problems. I’m spending time with them because I love them. What does it mean to be loved by Jesus and to really be in a relationship with Him, and how does that transform our lives?
For me, so far it has meant less asking Him to take away the suffering or to fix my problems. It has meant more honest prayers, bolder prayers that feel more like conversations (and sometimes arguments) than wishlists. It has meant less trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense and more just holding onto the fact that I am not alone when I am grieving. My God is near, and He loves me.
I still really struggle with the idea that Jesus’ presence in my life will mean that I never experience bad feelings or struggle through life. I still struggle to reconcile those two ideas that God loves me but I, and people I love, will experience pain. I guess that’s just the reality of now and not yet. But I am holding on for dear life to this idea that I do not have to pray a certain way or read my Bible a certain number of days a week in order to get my yes from God because He is glad to be with me, even in the darkest places.