When I look back at my family’s generational history, it is easy to focus on the brokenness that gets passed down. But when I took a peek at my own genogram, I was struck by a break in the chain that my dad specifically was able to make. My dad promised himself that when he had children they would never doubt his love for them. And I can honestly say that he’s held up that promise. My family history and dynamic are no more or less broken than anyone else’s. It’s not that remarkable, but this one promise stood out to me as a turning point in my family’s story and one that endures as my brother and I have started our own families. We are continuing this work of laying a foundation of unconditional love for our children.
Now, did my parents do this or other things perfectly? You know the answer to that question is no because it’s true for all of us. I hope that the healing that God started through my dad, He’ll continue through me and then eventually my son. When I hope for the future of my family, I see people who don’t find their value in their productivity. That is a lie that I have definitely had to weed out from my heart and one I hope I never plant in my son’s. I hope he knows that he is worthy just because he is a beloved child of God and nothing can ever change that. And I hope that he relates to those around him as if they are beloved children of God who cannot have that title taken from them either.
What would that even look like though? How would that change our behavior if we really believed that within ourselves? I know for me, a recovering people pleaser, when I truly believe that I am God’s, my mistakes are less devastating to my self-worth. My relationships with others are more secure. When I’ve slighted, offended, dropped a ball — either at work, in my marriage, or a friendship — I’m less defensive and more open to critique. It doesn’t destroy my security. As an enneagram 6, that’s kind of a big deal.
As I relate to God it means that I can bring my whole self, even the angry-with-God side, without fear. I can bring my sins without sheepishness. I don’t have to live in shame, hiding my nakedness until God has mercy and makes me some clothes. I can walk in confidence that I am loved and nothing can move that. What a thought to come before God, confident in my status as His beloved daughter? I long for that for my kid.
And in my relationships, how beautiful would it be to remain vulnerable and open, not fearing a loss of relationship being a mar on my worth. Would we be more honest about our needs and desires if we didn’t fear they would be too much for people? Would there be less pain from unspoken expectations? Am I only talking about myself?
And in this society that we’re swimming in … if I truly believe I am a beloved child of God and not a cog in a profit-making machine, how does that change the way I approach work and my life? If my worth is not found in my title, salary, status and networking, then I think we are people of rest, people other people want to emulate and be around. Without needing to strive to prove ourselves, I think we come to a more balanced life, prioritizing Kingdom things, enjoying rest and keeping work in its appropriate place. Existing in the world without the insecurity and need to prove sounds like a dream.
These are the dreams I have for my son.